When You Are Gone

When the shriveled leaves started falling and the cool breezes crept in, I knew you were there within me. The void promises of togetherness had long been gone, leaving only sorrow behind. But before I had a chance to reverse things; you happened to me. It was late, very late to call back a person who didn't even wish to leave a trail in my life. Who had left with stinging words, angry face that gave away all the trust in it, all the love in it; memories remained but unlike the others these stung badly. I had no one to blame for I was equally a part of it all. I chose not to knock on his door, not to call him, not to disturb him, above all not to let him know about the new happenings.

A day it was; warm and pleasant just like the feelings we had back then. We called it love just like the others. Hand in hand we explored the world together, we shared our worlds, our sorrows, our joys and all that we could. We held the fresh morning dew in our hands, adored the beauty of summer, saw the yellowing of leaves in the fall and then…..

His touch sent electric waves through me, and I blushed the first time his lips met mine- in complete unison…tenderly and passionately we kissed exploring the boundaries that had appeared anew. I had never felt the feeling of someone so close. The world was no longer a part of us and neither were we. We explored each other and the feeling was different, it was enchanting; for then I never knew that all of it was a momentary bliss. At that moment we shared dreams, future and he whispered in my ears how he loved me and oh me; so foolish, so easily deceived by it all repeated the same. The difference being that I meant it unlike him.

But no I am not angry, not with anyone even when his interest in me started fading, I crossed my fingers and wished for the universe to create the magic again. It didn't. Soon words became arguments, which led to fights and then one fine day he chose the dreaded nightmare I had; to leave me. He stormed out of the door, banging it hard and I stood there immobile. Frozen at the words I had heard, my ears ringing aloud with the sheer harshness in it. I did not cry, nor did I sob for if I was angry, I was angry only with myself.

Then you came by, the snow had set on the ground and you said you were coming. I was shocked, for I hadn't expected it not at all. I decided to keep you for then I felt a strange sense of faith; in you. I wished to believe that you may not leave me with those harsh words like the others. Months passed and you grew within me, occupying all the space you could. The lashing tongues of the ladies did not spare me, for I did not have the speckle of sindoor on my forehead, yet I had you swelling within me fast and healthy. Whenever I made my way out of the house I covered myself with the warmth of a shawl as if to stop you from hearing the unnecessary talks that went on about me outside these four walls.

People who saw me threw the looks of a whore and I knew they meant it too. It was hurtful and always made my eyes water. The world filled with deception was busy judging me. No one came with a word of comfort or looked at me with smile, not that I expected it. You were stirring within me as if to find more space, and when you kicked I was stunned. I giggled to myself and stroked my swollen belly just to comfort you.

“Huh! Disgusting, why don’t such people go and die!”

A lady exclaimed and pulled her daughter out of the store, afraid to present bad examples to the kid.

It stung badly and my eyes gave away, they watered. You kicked again. This time I felt that you knew me, that kick was to comfort me isn’t it? To distract me… my heart surged with happiness, there was at least one in this world of millions who cared for me. I felt connected to you.

The long waiting ended, one afternoon when you were tired of sleeping in the small space I had for you. I doubled with pain and shrieked out loud. I don’t know how long had I been doing it when an old lady who stayed beside, pushed the door open and guided me to the bed. You were such a darling every time, you came out easily, afraid to hurt me. The moment I held you in my arms I felt the warmth spreading all over through me. When you opened your eyes and first saw me, I think I saw your rosy lips breaking into a smile leaving me a world full of happiness.

The world felt a better place all of a sudden and you filled the empty spaces within me, by throwing cute tantrums, being hungry all the time and all the stupid things you loved doing around me. Khushi, I named you, I meant it because until the day I had you I was empty of it-happiness. My world shrunk to you and there was no sadness, tears or sorrow in it. Only our happiness- yours and mine. When your eyes searched for me, and cries awakened me, I came running and just my touch would sooth you into sleep.

The snow set on the grounds again and made us cold. I held you by the hearth of fire and kept you warm and you gifted me endless smiles and naughtiness for all of it. I captured all the scenes in me, your expressions, your sound, your cries…. I continue cherishing them even now. But these days you have been fretful, and my little angel was down with a fever. It broke me, I kept tending you always, but it didn't seem to get any better. Two days later…the snow had started melting and the new grasses sprouted, I was feeding you milk, but suddenly you stopped sucking, you became a little heavier in my arms.

I shuddered. Not wanting to intake it, not wanting to realize it….wanting just to stop time. I held you closer and whispered your name only to myself. You didn't gift me with a smile, just laid peaceful in my arms. I hate you winter, I hate you, for you robbed me with the only possession I had in the entire universe- my angel. Days passed and I withdrew to myself, and one day a picked a sharp razor, held it within my thumb and index finger, extended my left arm, shut my eyes and right then I heard you crying in the cradle. I dropped the razor and ran towards you, the cradle was empty but I knew you were there. My angel looking upon me. In years I cried, all the pain away.

I wanted to live once again, this time with you guiding my way. Nothing can replace you, nothing will ever. If I have a wish now: it is only to hold you again now that you are gone.