Undying Dreams

It was tough…..really tough to punch in the 12 digit index number into that small box. The greenish background of the BHSEC official website seemed reassuring yet ominous in some ways. With each passing second the urge to close the website and runaway seemed to build up within me. But god…it had to be faced one or the other day. Finding it out your self would be much better than hearing it from someone else over the phone. After moments of unease I managed to type in the index number into that tiny-life-deciding box. 

I checked and rechecked the number not wanting any mishaps to occur at this moment of uncertainty. My index finger moved towards the enter key which suddenly looked so scary …as if it were a monster mocking at me, and laughing mercilessly. I closed my eyes, chanted some mantras and pressed ‘enter’. I had never felt so scared in my life. Within a few seconds the page got loaded- the page that carried my fate along with it. The result of my class 12 boards, which was – 'the big thing’. On that page, the subjects were listed down and against them were my scoring.

My heart skipped a couple of beats and I rechecked the last two digits of my index number I had typed in. With great sadness I realized that fate had played a dirty game on me. My marks were so low that I felt the whole world come crashing on me. My eyes welled up with tears and I wished all of it to be a nightmare, which would end when the alarm beeps. I pinched myself and winced at the pain, it was all real. How I wished the ground beneath me to split up and engulf me into it as it once had done for lady Sita- the wife of lord Ram. But life isn’t that simple and I am not that special too.

I suddenly felt weak, drowsy and about to collapse. My legs were giving away and I knew that breaking this news would be even harder. I made my way downstairs with a face that gave away all my emotions. My parents were there; ready to receive the news, with faces filled with expectations of colourful result worth celebrating. Standing in front of them I realized that I had never done anything tougher than what I was about to do. I broke the news to those two most wonderful people in my life.

They were dumbstruck and I knew they had to be because I had indeed dropped some sort of an atom bomb in my otherwise calm house. I hung my head low, not able to give them an eye-contact but all the while I knew one thing that I had worked hard. Within seconds both of them masked their disappointed faces with that of a reassuring and encouraging one. A futile attempt, they did for me. They said it was okay and that this isn’t the end of the world and all I could get myself to say was-“Mmm”.

No one spoke for a while and in that silence my mind raced back to those times I had spent hooked up with my books, the time I had spent completing projects before deadlines and the time I had devoted only for studies. The reel of thoughts ended with the sight of the three hour papers I had written with utmost confidence. But the fact ultimately was the numbers on the result sheet. There was no proof, and I couldn’t say anything. The tables had turned and my life went topsy-turvy. After a series of thumbs ups handling thumbs down was quite a heavy task and I knew it then. Words of reassurance and consoling glances seemed void in front of my heavy heart and it just highlighted the fact that it was the numbers that mattered ultimately.

My heart wept and my brain recapitulated those days I had burnt midnight oil. As I scrolled down my Facebook page – just to distract myself, all I could see there was pathetic and more miserable post from my ex-classmates and schoolmates they too were facing similar or worse situations than me. The expectant faces of my parents loomed ahead of me and I felt a strange sense of guilt of letting them down. I spent the whole of that day in remorse and did not mind shedding some tears, hoping that it might make me feel a little better.

The next day, as the new dawn broke and the fresh rays of sun crept in through my flimsy curtains to greet me, I decided that I was going to let that feeling die away.  I didn’t want to hold on to the strings of the past, pull them harder and let myself feel more miserable. But I wanted to break free; I wanted to help myself.

I opened the door to my balcony and stepped outside. I stared at the rising sun which I normally miss due to my snoozing habit. The sun was yellowish-orange and gave a perfect shade to the vast sky that was above me. The previous evening that I had cried- the sky was dark and dull. But today it was exceptionally bright and I felt as though the nature wants to communicate with me. It had to say something and I did not want to miss it either. I walked towards the edge if the balcony, slightly distracted by the sound of the dog barking in the neighbors house.

The chilled breeze of early morning brushed against my face and blew those strands of hair that had come out of my braid. The freshness of the serene morning embraced me and said all the things I wanted to hear.

The sun said, “Hey free bird, I set every evening only to come back the next morning with greater power.”

The breeze whispered in my ears. “Little girl let me blow away all your worries.”

The chirping birds tweeted and told me “Just spread your wings and fly.”

And as I lifted my head I saw the clouds in the sky. They positioned themselves into thumbs up, pointed towards the endless sky and said to me, “Aim for the sky!”

I blinked my eye and realized what they all had to say- ‘never let your hopes die’.

I smiled after a depressing day and a yawn escaped me. That is when I realized that- I hadn’t brushed my teeth! Ooops…. I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, and after I washed my face I looked at the mirror and said to myself- 'keep your hope young'. I looked at that girl in the mirror, who radiated optimism and that image shouted about all those dreams I have, I want to pursue and which I will never give up on!